STRESS!!!

First things first, weigh in this monday. 140.2. Not good. Not a surprise, but not good. On the other hand, I got an A on my Molecular genetics exam.

The corollary is obvious. The more I work, the more I focus, the more I mindlessly eat. It's a habit I developed years ago in undergrad and I don't know how to break it. I get tired while working, so I eat to stay awake and focus. Now I understand my dad's addiction to cigarettes. He told me once that the more he worked any given day, the more he would smoke. When he was stressed and busy, he'd go through one cigarette after another. I have a similar hand-to-mouth obsession when I'm working. I can be productive, get a lot done, and mentally process a lot but to do so I feel like I need to be stuffing my face. I've been trying to quell it with healthier choices that I can eat one at a time - lowfat popcorn, grapes, etc. Or if it's going to be something to satisfy the desire for salt, cheese, or other comforts, something like the baby goldfish crackers or homemade chex mix help so that the serving allows for a lot of individual pieces. I need to break the habit entirely, but I strongly suspect it's not going to happen all that soon.

So this week I'm coping with still more stress. Work is proving exceptionally annoying. We're busy which is pretty normal. However, it feels like we're getting hit exceptionally hard w/ patient cases and on top of that, our managers have been rolling out schedule changes that are lowering morale and not increasing efficiency. Lunch hour has been split into schedule 30 min lunch and 2 15 min breaks. The reality is you never really take your scheduled break because you're still on a call. I'm also getting tired of the boss not understanding that the role I'm in doesn't fit in the usual confines of a helpdesk environment. I've been there, I do understand what is needed on a helpdesk. It's only going to get worse though with the new upper management. I've also accepted for a while now that I don't work well with managers who are not consistent, who don't understand how to communicate effectively and how to keep morale up while still getting the job done. I can cope so that I don't do anything stupid that would get be fired, but it takes a toll on my psyche. So in addition to trying to manage my body, my family, my home, my job, and school, now I get to add looking for a better job into the mix.

I'm trying to get back on the bandwagon w/ eating better again. Chinese New Year and superbowl didn't help matters any this week either. I'm cooking again and that will help. I tried to make the most of the new schedule and walked around the office lot on monday during my breaks to take advantage of the day not being freezing cold. I'm contemplating joining a gym still in hopes that the new years resolution pseudo-enthusiasts have dwindled. Of course I don't know how I'm going to fit in gym visits myself so until then I haven't signed up. I just want to get through the week, that's all I'm asking.

Wintry mix, work, and weigh-in

It's Groundhog's day. This year, both Punxsatawney Phil and Milltown Mel did not see their shadows. I hope they're right. We've been showered with ice for the last 2 days and quite frankly, I'm just tired of winter and it's wintry mix. As far as I'm concerned, seasonal affective disorder for me is not related to the hours of light I don't get but rather to the inches of snow and ice I need to clear off my car and trudge through at work and school.

It's been a crummy week all around as I prep for my first exam on friday. I've been exceptionally dissatisfied with my job as the department is undergoing some changes to try to increase our level of service, but the true changes that would significantly improve our efficiency aren't happening. Instead, management is rolling out stupid things that will just lower morale and I highly doubt will make a difference in the level of service provided.

So the good news is that I'm down to 138.6 lbs this week. Despite not counting points last week, the scale is continuing to move in the direction I want it to. Unfortunately, I am in yet another week of eating more than I probably should, and much of it mindless as I study. I'm trying to make some of the mindless munching at least be with healthier choices like fruit instead of chips, but we'll see how the week goes.

Not a winter wonderland

This week has had it's challenges. We've been getting through DH's recovery from a stomach bug which has made meal planning challenging. Just when we're getting back into a normal routine, DS seems to have picked up intermittent digestive ills as well that threaten to get him sent home each day from daycare. Now really, I think it's a little excessive to call me at work each time he soils a diaper to tell me whether its consistency improved or not, but his daycare teachers are just following policy. I have no idea what's causing his discomfort, but it's certainly not all the time.

Then there's the snow. Mother nature was having a hot flash apparently and needed to cool down so she chose to do so with over a foot of the white (and now grey, brown and yellow) stuff. I'm reminded of all the things I can't stand in winter. Being cold and soggy, shoveling, trying to get to work because my company never closes, seriously slippery roads, that my town barely plows and when they do plow, they bury us in 4 ft piles at the foot of the driveway, and the list goes on and on...

The outcome of this week is that I'm not taking the time to really plan meals well or track, and definitely have not made time for exercise. On the upside, I've also been so busy that I don't really have time to eat much so the snacking has been minimized. Normally, the stress level I'm at would have me hankering for deep fried yummies but anything fried is out of the question while we have 2 members of the household w/ GI distress. Surprisingly, I'm not hankering. I also retroactively tracked the first couple days of the week and found I'm not eating my full day's allotment of points either. So we'll see how it goes by this weekend.

January 24, 2011 Weigh-in

At the end of week 2 - 140 lbs. Down 0.6 from last week and down 2.2 total so far.

Stress level is rising now that DH has caught the stomach bug as well but I'm trying to continue to curb stress eating. I need to track today's food and then the rest of the chores await.

Weekend off the wagon

It's been a long week and I was still pretty good at the beginning of it. Monday morning, I got up and did an aerobics video before work. I was on track for the first half of the week. And then I hit thursday overnight. Or more like it hit me. DS got sick around 1am so both DH and I were up all night while the poor little guy tossed his cookies repeatedly. It was 4 am before we were finally able to get him back to bed with his stomach somewhat settled. Meanwhile, it was snowing. In lieu of working out friday, I shoveled snow. I stopped tracking food on friday by the time I got into the office. I was exhausted, cranky, sore, pissed off at a bunch of other things going on, with a sizable pile of work to get through. We had chinese take out and while I did refrain from getting General Tso's chicken, I still did not necessarily make point-friendly choices and am continuing to just eat whatever I feel like this weekend. I've been munching on a combo of leftovers from chinese take out and cooking at home. Of course we had friends over yesterday making cookies and we had breakfast and a snack at Ikea this morning. So I'll see what the damage is when I get on the scale tomorrow.

I tend to fall off the wagon when life throws curve balls at me. I would hope that it wouldn't be too bad so long as the curve balls don't come too frequently, but sometimes, it feels like there's a lot of them. DS is recovering from his stomach bug but we're still catching up, not sleeping well, and the pukey laundry pile seems neverending. So it's been a busy weekend, but tomorrow is another day.

Weigh in

Monday Jan 17th. 140.8 lbs. Down from my starting weight of 142.2. Woohoo!

hitting bottom

I was just thinking about this while folding and putting away laundry today and examining the sorry state of my collection of underwear. Last summer, having just come out of a laparotomy with a 5" incision across my belly, a small incision glued closed on each hip, and an incision on my belly button as well (glued entirely shut), it made complete sense to pull out my old maternity underwear, as well as invest in a pack of 2 sizes too big granny panties - you know, the kind that can be practically pulled up to your boobs. And after about 6 weeks, when the incisions were all doing much better, I looked forward to getting back into my regular undies. That's when I discovered I could no longer get back into my old underwear. I've worn a small for the entirety of my adult life. There was a time when that was actually still big on me. At my highest pre-pregnancy weight, they still fit. They've seen me through yo-yoing about 10-15 lbs for a decade. Not that I've owned the same underwear for a decade, just that size was what I wore for a decade. And now my 2 sizes too big granny panties weren't looking too big anymore. Moreover, the styles I usually wore, that sat well above my hipbone because I never liked feeling constricted at the hip joint, now was most unattractive as parts of my belly would bulge out underneath the elastic at the leg opening. This was my wake up call. I had hit bottom. Specifically, my bottom.

Underwear is the most basic of clothing needs and yet one of the most difficult. It needs to fit. It needs to be comfortable. It needs to not show underneath your clothing, whether in the form of panty lines, the wrong color, or over the top of your waistband. It's one of the staple of the female boudoir. Nice underwear goes a long way to help you feel better about yourself, to make you feel desirable, and of course is desirable to your other half. Here I was lacking all of the above. It didn't fit anymore and was far from comfortable. What does fit hangs out over the waistline of my pants. And it made me feel frumpy, not the least bit sexy. On top of that, the collection is generally old and wearing out, from too stretched elastic to frayed seams. Even what was previously my nice underwear, no longer does much for my ego, not in its current size and I probably can no longer wear that style. It didn't make me feel very good about myself and is a daily reminder of how I feel. After all, you can avoid your undersized jeans that make you muffin top, but you still need underwear.

The bottom line is, until I lose the weight, I need to go shopping. I need clothes that fit me as I am, not just as I hope to eventually be. I need clothes that will help me look and feel better again. The foundation is where I probably should start.