hitting bottom

I was just thinking about this while folding and putting away laundry today and examining the sorry state of my collection of underwear. Last summer, having just come out of a laparotomy with a 5" incision across my belly, a small incision glued closed on each hip, and an incision on my belly button as well (glued entirely shut), it made complete sense to pull out my old maternity underwear, as well as invest in a pack of 2 sizes too big granny panties - you know, the kind that can be practically pulled up to your boobs. And after about 6 weeks, when the incisions were all doing much better, I looked forward to getting back into my regular undies. That's when I discovered I could no longer get back into my old underwear. I've worn a small for the entirety of my adult life. There was a time when that was actually still big on me. At my highest pre-pregnancy weight, they still fit. They've seen me through yo-yoing about 10-15 lbs for a decade. Not that I've owned the same underwear for a decade, just that size was what I wore for a decade. And now my 2 sizes too big granny panties weren't looking too big anymore. Moreover, the styles I usually wore, that sat well above my hipbone because I never liked feeling constricted at the hip joint, now was most unattractive as parts of my belly would bulge out underneath the elastic at the leg opening. This was my wake up call. I had hit bottom. Specifically, my bottom.

Underwear is the most basic of clothing needs and yet one of the most difficult. It needs to fit. It needs to be comfortable. It needs to not show underneath your clothing, whether in the form of panty lines, the wrong color, or over the top of your waistband. It's one of the staple of the female boudoir. Nice underwear goes a long way to help you feel better about yourself, to make you feel desirable, and of course is desirable to your other half. Here I was lacking all of the above. It didn't fit anymore and was far from comfortable. What does fit hangs out over the waistline of my pants. And it made me feel frumpy, not the least bit sexy. On top of that, the collection is generally old and wearing out, from too stretched elastic to frayed seams. Even what was previously my nice underwear, no longer does much for my ego, not in its current size and I probably can no longer wear that style. It didn't make me feel very good about myself and is a daily reminder of how I feel. After all, you can avoid your undersized jeans that make you muffin top, but you still need underwear.

The bottom line is, until I lose the weight, I need to go shopping. I need clothes that fit me as I am, not just as I hope to eventually be. I need clothes that will help me look and feel better again. The foundation is where I probably should start.